Jokes

Politicians Poem

I want a floating duck house. I want to clear my moat
I need to mend my tennis court, that's why I need your vote.

I have to build a portico. My swimming pool needs mending
My lovely plants need horse manure and the Aga needs much tending

A chandelier is vital. Mock Tudor boards are great
My hanging baskets won awards and I've earned a tax rebate.

I need a glitter toilet seat. My piano so needs tuning
Maltesers help me stay awake and my orchard must need pruning

I could have said the rules were wrong and often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier to profit all I could

The public really have to see that the rules are there to test
And by defrauding taxpayers we were just doing our best

The Speaker of the House has gone, our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying for our corpses at the feast

What do the public want from us, those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful to be financing our estates.

The message is so very clear, (we're merely learning late)
That the British way of living well is to screw the bloody state.
Anon

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When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.

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2 women in Heaven...
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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These classified were really put in the paper - a smile for your day

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little b*****d. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES, 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES. Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

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Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
He got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

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At a doctor's surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him,
"What the hell did you do to your back?"
The patient replies, " You know that I am a bouncer at a local night club? Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife as my wife was lying naked in bed and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out of the building and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back ".

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor says, " My previous looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you ?
" The 2nd patient replies, " You know I have been unemployed for a while now Doctor ? Well yesterday morning was my first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients did. The doctor was shocked. Again he asks, "What the hell happened to you ? "
" Well I was sitting in a fridge !...... "!

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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for some food.
I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

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And then, the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have s_x?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part........... :

'Only when he's been drinking.'

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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "S**t."

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Morris and his wife Esther went to the fair every year and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty pounds, and fifty pounds is fifty pounds'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty pounds, and fifty pounds is fifty pounds.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty pounds.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneouvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty pounds is fifty pounds!'